Good is never good enough…

Posted on August 8, 2011 by Bo

Sitting in my mid-year appraisal this morning, it became apparent to me that I approach my work in very much the same way as I approach my running. In my mind I am never good enough. I am always striving to improve. And no matter how family or colleagues rate me, I continuously believe I could’ve done better. I always feel as if I have let myself down.

My very first 10km was the Valentines Race in Randburg. (this is an amazing race, so much atmosphere and awesome vibe – gr8 for newbies). My time was a solid 87 minutes.

In my mind, the fact that I had finished was a victory in itself and we celebrated by getting Kentucky rounders on the way home (don’t judge okay). Three years later and my time has improved to 77 minutes. That equates to 1 whole minute off every kilometer. This is fantastic! Yet for me, still not good enough and lately, if I run a race that takes me longer than 80 minutes, I am depressed the whole day and feel highly irritated.

It’s the same with my half marathons. I was the type of person that couldn’t run longer than 35 seconds on a ~~dreadmill~~ treadmill without stopping. I am now able to run 21.1kms. Non-stop. Most people cannot do this. Most people don’t even attempt the 35 seconds on the treadmill!

I have managed to bring my half marathon times down from 3hrs 17mins (Johnson Crane 2009) to 2 hrs 48mins (Two Oceans 2011).

I find that when I run, I tend to look more at my Garmin running watch on my wrist, watching the lap times, than I do on the road in front of me. Every kilometer is either too fast or too slow and I spend majority of the time stressing, doing the maths in my head as to what my final race time will be.

I run each race hoping to get a faster time and a better PB (personal best). And yet that’s not possible at every race. People tell me not to worry about those around me, or the times, but to run and enjoy the race. I am not there yet… I ignore them.

I tackle my work in very much the same way. I strive to know more, push myself to work harder. Always thinking in my head that what I am doing is not good enough. However, come appraisal time and I am generally rated quite well. My boss and colleagues are happy with (most) of what I do and I do get very positive feedback. Great team player, good people skills, knowledgeable…

So then what’s my problem? In striving to be this A performer (read: PB runner), I need to stop and consider the facts. I have the ability to run 21.1kms. I have done what most people cannot do. I have succeeded and got the medals (and the t-shirts). I have done what needs to be done and I’ve done it well. And even if I haven’t done well, and I’ve been disappointed, and fallen short of the mark, well.. that was yesterday, and this is today.

I need to be happy and look on towards the next race and the next challenge. But remembering to look back and sometimes pat myself on the back for what I have been able to accomplish. Victory lap around my desk!

Well done Bron!

I’m not a know-it-all afterall…

Posted on August 5, 2011 by Bo

I’ve hit a very busy and hectic time at work. Workshops, brainstorming sessions and stakeholder engagements has kept me busy and working hard. Stress levels are at an all time high.

Having taken over numerous projects that I was previously not responsible for has been both exciting and stressful. Budgeting, planning, strategizing… All taking me completely out of my comfort zone where previously I was in a role where I was known as the expert in my field.

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt about myself it’s that I don’t want to be seen as a failure (nobody does, I guess). In today’s corporate world, it’s seen as weakness. I’m the type of person who likes to keep ahead of the rest. Highly competitive and wanting to be known as the “specialist’ in my field. I like to be seen as the ‘go-to’ person. Yet lately, I am sitting in the meetings, completely stressed out of my mind. You wouldn’t say so looking at me as I try give off the “I’m bored as hell” look. However, I am dying, especially because the cause of my stress is that it feels as if I am expected to know things – which I don’t. And for me, asking for help would sound like a big giant foghorn that I am weak. I’d get eaten alive!

However, it occurred to me today that I’ve noticed a big shift in my behavior and attitude as I sit in these meetings.

Previously, I looked up to the loud mouths in the room – the bullshitters, the confident entertainers. Those with the gift of the gab, the ones that don’t need to prepare for meetings, the ones who can wing it. They’ve always wow’ed me and I’ve always wanted to be “just like them”. But not anymore….

You see… wanting to be someone I am not, or will never be, will always cause me to be stressed. Pretending to know the answers is not what it’s about.

My attention these days has shifted to learning from those that sit quietly in the meetings, taking down the notes and asking the relevant questions. The ones that do not beat around the bush with fancy talk, corporate jargon that everyone is too scared to ask the meaning of. (latest one I heard was: Let’s tease it out. Huh? Do what?) These are the people that are unafraid to look like they don’t know. They are the ones that ask the questions, exposing themselves and not pretending to have all the answers. I have a lot of respect for them.

And so, I’ve started to put my hand up in meetings. I’ve started to shake my head and say, No, I don’t get it. No, I don’t understand. I’ve started to ask for help…

You see, in order to keep up with the walkers, I’ve realized that I’ll get ahead a lot further if I stop being so scared to ask for help. My colleagues too will respect me a lot more because in actual fact, we are all in the same boat. The world around us is moving at such a fast pace.

Who really does have all the answers? I know I don’t. (OMG, the first step is acceptance, right? I’ve just taken my first step!)

I’m just tired…

Posted on August 2, 2011 by Bo

I got home from work on Monday evening just before 7pm. KK was still not home and as I sat in the dark, in my car, in the garage, scrolling through my Twitter time line (a ritual I do most evenings), I started to ask myself a couple of hard hitting questions. Surely there was more to life than working 12 hour long, stressful days, leaving for work and arriving home in the dark, raccoon red eyes from staring at my laptop screen? Was it worth it? My mind wondered off to the news that a colleague had resigned and was leaving to go assist her husband run a game farm. Being the ‘bush baby’ that I am, I burned with envy. How glorious…

I came to the conclusion that I am just tired. I’m tired of Winter. Tired of leaving for gym in the dark. Tired of dieting when I crave comfort food. Tired of the hour long commute to work and back. Tired of having static hair (thought I’d throw that one in). Tired of having sinus because the seasons can’t decide what they’re doing… Just tired. And I feel guilty for feeling tired. I know there’s a lot to look forward to. I just need to get through August.

Struggling to shake the sinus attack that had crippled my body since Friday (drama queen), I had used it as an excuse not to run Wits Kudu’s 10km on Sunday. This is a new race on the race calendar so there were many doubts filling my head. The one was that awareness of the race would be low and therefore very few runners (I was wrong). Another was that after I ran, I would develop a serious chest infection and take long to recover.

So KK and the running gang headed out to run the race while I snuggled under the blanket. I could not sleep. Mostly because my nose was irritating me, but also because I was watching the tweets on my Twitter time line of those that had in fact run the race. Verdicts of “toughest race ever” and “relentless hills” were coming through. Then the tweets of those that had completed it and how victorious they felt. When KK did arrive home, his verdict was that it was a ”swine of a race” but was proudly wearing the cap he received at the finish.

Secretly relieved that perhaps I did in fact make the right decision not to run such a tough race, I realized that I most probably would’ve been fine to run. It’s not flu. It’s a runny nose. I am ever so willing to use the smallest excuse to get me out of running a race. And yet in life, I am not that kind of person.

Anyone looking at how I live my life would see that I am not a quitter. I am the one that never takes sick leave. I am the one that works the long hours. I am the one that tries new challenges at work and in my life. I’m the one that gets up at the crack of dawn to get to gym. I’m game for anything new.

No. I love running. I really do! I’m just tired…