Category Archives: My Fears

My friends are hurting…

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I suddenly realised the other day that my friends are hurting. They are sad. They are stressed out. Their hearts are shattered. They have the world on their shoulders. As much as they smile and laugh and try to cover up, deep down below the surface, they are all dealing with issues that are causing them great pain and unhappiness.

I sat down and wrote a list of what some of them are dealing with right now: Unhappy marriage, sick child, job strain, family crisis, unexplained body pains, unemployment, death of a loved one, depression, dying pet, relationship breakup, loneliness. It’s hectic!

These are serious, heavy issues. It’s no wonder a friend confided in me that she is too tired of it all and wishes she could just go sleep and never have to wake up again. 

I was once told that it is wrong to think that only some people are hurting and that everyone else is happy. Because deep down, every single person is dealing with that one issue that is consuming them all day (and night) long. It makes sense now. 

It hurts me to see my friends hurting, knowing that in most cases, there’s nothing I can do. It hurts me to know that for some of my friends, they see no solution, no positive outcome, no escape, no end in sight. 

If only my friends knew how much they get me through my day. If only they knew the strength they give me to carry on. If only they knew that the strain and stress of life is made that much more bearable, just by knowing that they are there for me.

We all hurt … if only they knew.

 

Watching children talk to birds…

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I find looking after someone else’s child one of the most stressful things to do. Not being a parent myself, it doesn’t come easy for me.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t want to do it. I just find it the most frightening thing to do. To be handed over the responsibility of taking care of a child who that parent considers the most important thing in their world – it’s overwhelming.

What if something happens to the child while it is on my watch? What if the child chokes? What if it trips and falls, breaking a leg? What if the child goes missing in the mall? *shudder* I would never ever forgive myself. Never. Unfortunately, kids pick up my stress and I am always guilty that instead of just enjoying the time together, I am focussed on the wrong thing.

I didn’t come with the built-in mommy manual. I do not know how to soothe a crying baby. I do not have the energy to run after a toddler. I find making conversation with children difficult.

Needless to say, my 9 year old niece still manages to twist my arm and come over to stay for the weekend. As all aunts and uncles do, we tend to feed her lots of junk food, we take her to Spur, she watches hours and hours of Disney channel and we let her do pretty much what she likes.

The atmosphere in the house is definitely different. KK and I are comfortable with silences. However, my niece talks non-stop and comes full of opinions.

We tend to stick to a pretty rigid weekend routine. With my niece staying over, everything is thrown on its head! Clothes and books lie scattered all over the floor. The TV is on loud. We go to bed at different times, we don’t get to go running, we skip gym, we eat junk food. It’s the clearest indication to me what our life would be like if we had kids. Everything would change and would revolve around our child.

The funniest thing is that Annie and Emma (my dogs) do not appreciate our attention off them and onto this little person. They come running to me constantly, as if ‘tattletailing’ on my niece and vying for attention and love.

Today we decided to venture out and take my niece to the Monte Casino Bird Gardens. What a lovely place! I highly recommend it. It is well-kept, clean and entertaining. It has a calming, quietness about it.

The thing that stood out for me most is that I was not stressed. I loved being surrounded by all those birds!

My niece ran around, unafraid of anything. Not even the birds of prey or the spiders or the snakes could shake her confidence. In fact, as she informed me, the black mamba didn’t scare her at all. And the anaconda? Pfft, she’d seen bigger in her lifetime.

I need to take some lessons from her.

My niece fell asleep in the car on the way home. The only thing she appears to remember is that a bird crapped on KK’s hand when we were eating lunch.

But the important thing, I hope, is that she enjoyed herself.

I know I did…

Good is never good enough…

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Sitting in my mid-year appraisal this morning, it became apparent to me that I approach my work in very much the same way as I approach my running. In my mind I am never good enough. I am always striving to improve. And no matter how family or colleagues rate me, I continuously believe I could’ve done better. I always feel as if I have let myself down.

My very first 10km was the Valentines Race in Randburg. (this is an amazing race, so much atmosphere and awesome vibe – gr8 for newbies). My time was a solid 87 minutes. 

In my mind, the fact that I had finished was a victory in itself and we celebrated by getting Kentucky rounders on the way home (don’t judge okay). Three years later and my time has improved to 77 minutes. That equates to 1 whole minute off every kilometer. This is fantastic! Yet for me, still not good enough and lately, if I run a race that takes me longer than 80 minutes, I am depressed the whole day and feel highly irritated. 

It’s the same with my half marathons. I was the type of person that couldn’t run longer than 35 seconds on a dreadmill treadmill without stopping. I am now able to run 21.1kms. Non-stop. Most people cannot do this. Most people don’t even attempt the 35 seconds on the treadmill! 

I have managed to bring my half marathon times down from 3hrs 17mins (Johnson Crane 2009) to 2 hrs 48mins (Two Oceans 2011). 

I find that when I run, I tend to look more at my Garmin running watch on my wrist, watching the lap times, than I do on the road in front of me. Every kilometer is either too fast or too slow and I spend majority of the time stressing, doing the maths in my head as to what my final race time will be. 

I run each race hoping to get a faster time and a better PB (personal best). And yet that’s not possible at every race. People tell me not to worry about those around me, or the times, but to run and enjoy the race. I am not there yet… I ignore them.

I tackle my work in very much the same way. I strive to know more, push myself to work harder. Always thinking in my head that what I am doing is not good enough. However, come appraisal time and I am generally rated quite well. My boss and colleagues are happy with (most) of what I do and I do get very positive feedback. Great team player, good people skills, knowledgeable… 

So then what’s my problem? In striving to be this A performer (read: PB runner), I need to stop and consider the facts. I have the ability to run 21.1kms. I have done what most people cannot do. I have succeeded and got the medals (and the t-shirts). I have done what needs to be done and I’ve done it well. And even if I haven’t done well, and I’ve been disappointed, and fallen short of the mark, well.. that was yesterday, and this is today. 

I need to be happy and look on towards the next race and the next challenge. But remembering to look back and sometimes pat myself on the back for what I have been able to accomplish. Victory lap around my desk!

Well done Bron!

 

I’m not a know-it-all afterall…

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I’ve hit a very busy and hectic time at work. Workshops, brainstorming sessions and stakeholder engagements has kept me busy and working hard. Stress levels are at an all time high.

Having taken over numerous projects that I was previously not responsible for has been both exciting and stressful.  Budgeting, planning, strategizing… All taking me completely out of my comfort zone where previously I was in a role where I was known as the expert in my field.

If there’s one thing I’ve learnt about myself it’s that I don’t want to be seen as a failure (nobody does, I guess). In today’s corporate world, it’s seen as weakness. I’m the type of person who likes to keep ahead of the rest. Highly competitive and wanting to be known as the “specialist’ in my field. I like to be seen as the ‘go-to’ person. Yet lately, I am sitting in the meetings, completely stressed out of my mind. You wouldn’t say so looking at me as I try give off the “I’m bored as hell” look. However, I am dying, especially because the cause of my stress is that it feels as if I am expected to know things – which I don’t. And for me, asking for help would sound like a big giant foghorn that I am weak. I’d get eaten alive!

However, it occurred to me today that I’ve noticed a big shift in my behavior and attitude as I sit in these meetings.

Previously, I looked up to the loud mouths in the room – the bullshitters, the confident entertainers. Those with the gift of the gab, the ones that don’t need to prepare for meetings, the ones who can wing it. They’ve always wow’ed me and I’ve always wanted to be “just like them”. But not anymore….

You see… wanting to be someone I am not, or will never be, will always cause me to be stressed. Pretending to know the answers is not what it’s about.

My attention these days has shifted to learning from those that sit quietly in the meetings, taking down the notes and asking the relevant questions. The ones that do not beat around the bush with fancy talk, corporate jargon that everyone is too scared to ask the meaning of. (latest one I heard was: Let’s tease it out. Huh? Do what?) These are the people that are unafraid to look like they don’t know. They are the ones that ask the questions, exposing themselves and not pretending to have all the answers. I have a lot of respect for them.

And so, I’ve started to put my hand up in meetings. I’ve started to shake my head and say, No, I don’t get it. No, I don’t understand. I’ve started to ask for help…

You see, in order to keep up with the walkers, I’ve realized that I’ll get ahead a lot further if I stop being so scared to ask for help. My colleagues too will respect me a lot more because in actual fact, we are all in the same boat. The world around us is moving at such a fast pace.

 Who really does have all the answers? I know I don’t. (OMG, the first step is acceptance, right? I’ve just taken my first step!)