My dad runs. #fact

Posted on May 31, 2012 by Bo

It hit me the other day when I saw a photograph of my dad that there’s a part of his life that I know nothing about. To get you up to speed: my dad is a fireman by day/night and in his free time, he builds houses, landscapes gardens, feeds the birds and has an enormous love for wildlife.

He’s also a runner. I’ve known this for all my life and in fact, just recently he ran the 2009 Two Oceans Half Marathon. But it’s the running stories from 20 years ago which are a complete blank to me.

It’s Comrades week and as many of my close friends prepare to run the biggest race on South Africa’s race calendar, I suddenly remembered that my dad has run Comrades. He has also completed Iron Man. Twice. This was many years ago. But still.

(I’ve promised myself to do a separate blog post on his achievements and I’ve already tasked my mom to pull out any photos of my dad.)

I’ve never shared stories with him. I don’t know what he went through, his experiences, his running trials and tribulations. In fact, since I’ve started to run, I mainly get my running tips and motivation from KK and other running buddies. Yet, I’m sure my dad has lots to share.

I know that at the time when he was running, I was young, in primary school and perhaps didn’t take much interest then. I wish I had. I wish I thought about running then like I do now. I wish I had paid more attention.

I’m going to stop telling people that I am a newbie runner and instead announce: “the running gene runs in my family”. Because it does.

Stop running. Seek help.

Posted on May 29, 2012 by Bo

I’ve never shared this secret with anyone, but I had such a big fear of public speaking that a couple of years ago, I sought the help of a psychiatrist to help me overcome that fear.

At the time, it was part of my job to present to a crowd of approximately 80 people on a monthly basis. The ironic thing is that the feedback from my boss was that colleagues loved my presentations and so, at every opportunity, she would volunteer my name to present.

I hated it. I hated it so much. I couldn’t sleep. I was sick the night before. It became so bad that for one whole week every month before the meeting, I was a nervous wreck.

So I started to see a psychiatrist.

It’s not like the movies. I didn’t get to lie on my back and talk about my feelings. He didn’t have a soothing voice and a notebook and pen. In fact, it was tough. He gave me homework to do!

The biggest question he taught me to ask myself is: Is it true?

So when I worry that people will laugh at me, I ask “Is it true?” No, they won’t. They’re even more terrified of standing up and presenting than I am. It’s a fear that majority of humans have.

When I think I will forget my words and people will judge me, I ask, “Is it true?” No. I have never forgotten my words and if I do, it’s fine. Move on.

It’s not so much as overcoming the fears, but being in control of my anxiety and stress.

When I look back now, I realise just how much I’ve grown and how far I’ve come.

Yes, I still feel incredibly nervous when I have to speak in front of people. I have come to terms with the fact that this is only natural and will never go away. It’s good to have that rush of adrenaline.

If I thought I was being treated for a fear of public speaking, I was mistaken. In the end, I landed up learning the skill of trusting myself and not allowing that horrible little voice in my head to convince me of things that don’t exist. You see, sometimes you need to stop running and face those fears.

Helpless. Yes, that’s my word.

Posted on May 24, 2012 by Bo

Trawling through my Twitter timeline before walking into the office yesterday morning, I came across a tweet from one of my favourite tweeps, @Anatinus. The question she posed was, “If you had to choose one word to describe yourself today, what would it be?”

I sat in my car for a few minutes, trying to come up with a word, but couldn’t. Being the positive person that I am and always wanting to display a happy, shining disposition, I kept thinking up clever, cheerful words to describe myself. But yet none of them seemed to describe exactly what is going on in my head.

My head is spinning. I keep trying to come up with the right answer, the solution to a problem but keep hitting a brick wall.

I’m anxious. Worried. Concerned. Deeply saddened. Angry. But mostly helpless.

Two of my closest friends are hurting. They are in the lowest of lows. In a dip and as much as I try to reach down and pull them up, I can’t. No matter what I tell each of them or how I try to convince them of what is right, it feels as if it’s falling on deaf ears. But their situations are not unique. We’ve all been there (or are there) at some point in our lives.

Why do we torture ourselves? Why do we allow ourselves to go through pain and hurt? Why do we allow others to treat us so badly? Why do we not want the very best for ourselves? Why do we accept second best? Why is it so difficult to walk away from someone who we know deep down inside does not love us as much as we love them? Why do we fight for relationships we know are wrong and are unhealthy and will only end in tears?

Watching from the outside, seeing the sadness in their eyes, watching their self-esteems drop, I can only hold their hands and be there for them. But it’s tough.

I’m helpless…

What word would you use to describe yourself?

Sticks and stones (and words) can break my bones

Posted on May 17, 2012 by Bo

It is amazing how one person can make such a difference to how you ‘see’ yourself and what you believe you can accomplish. That person can either build you up or break you down – if you allow them to.

When I was growing up, I always wanted to be a journalist. I wanted to write, to tell stories, to find out and share information. The path I landed up taking was into librarianship and so I found myself surrounded by books and information, unfortunately not written by me. But I found happiness.

In 2002, I started working in a financial institution where one of my tasks was to write a monthly report. From day one, I struggled. I was not used to working with Word and I was constantly beaten down by my manager. Even after attending a course on report writing, I was still not getting it right and up to ‘her’ standards.

I still remember her words to me, “I made a mistake in hiring you because I thought you could write. But you can’t. Perhaps you should just focus on research instead.” Ironically, this is what I did. Fast forward 10 years and through friends who believed in me, I started a blog. I’ve loved every single minute of it. The feedback is not so much about my writing skills, but about what I’ve been writing about.

No one criticizes the occasional spelling mistake. No one tells me I don’t know how to use styles properly. I don’t get red pen scratches all over my posts. The comments and feedback are always positive and always telling me how my posts have hit a mark or touched people in a certain way.

That’s powerful and humbling at the same time.

I was chatting to a friend recently and he was expressing concern that in life, majority of people can not articulate what the want to do. People just don’t know. He went on to explain that it’s not about what ‘job’ you want to do as much as a simple ‘thing’ you want to accomplish in life. It’s up to each one of us to know what that ‘thing’ is.

It’s then that it hit me. I know what I’ve been enjoying in the last couple of months. I know what has made me happy, what has overtaken my time and fuels my thoughts all day long. I know what I want to do.

I want to write…