Helpless. Yes, that’s my word.

Trawling through my Twitter timeline before walking into the office yesterday morning, I came across a tweet from one of my favourite tweeps, @Anatinus. The question she posed was, “If you had to choose one word to describe yourself today, what would it be?”

I sat in my car for a few minutes, trying to come up with a word, but couldn’t. Being the positive person that I am and always wanting to display a happy, shining disposition, I kept thinking up clever, cheerful words to describe myself. But yet none of them seemed to describe exactly what is going on in my head.

My head is spinning. I keep trying to come up with the right answer, the solution to a problem but keep hitting a brick wall.

I’m anxious. Worried. Concerned. Deeply saddened. Angry. But mostly helpless.

Two of my closest friends are hurting. They are in the lowest of lows. In a dip and as much as I try to reach down and pull them up, I can’t. No matter what I tell each of them or how I try to convince them of what is right, it feels as if it’s falling on deaf ears. But their situations are not unique. We’ve all been there (or are there) at some point in our lives.

Why do we torture ourselves? Why do we allow ourselves to go through pain and hurt? Why do we allow others to treat us so badly? Why do we not want the very best for ourselves? Why do we accept second best? Why is it so difficult to walk away from someone who we know deep down inside does not love us as much as we love them?  Why do we fight for relationships we know are wrong and are unhealthy and will only end in tears?

Watching from the outside, seeing the sadness in their eyes, watching their self-esteems drop, I can only hold their hands and be there for them. But it’s tough.

I’m helpless…

What word would you use to describe yourself?

March 2012 – Am I coming or going?

Wow, can you believe it’s March already! It’s absolutely crazy how time just flies by so quickly.

So I thought what better time to do a quick assessment of my year and see whether or not the goals I set out for myself in January were still relevant and if I had achieved anything.

My weight. Nothing happening! I have plateaued on level FAT. Even the scale says I’m obese. *shock* As much as I try eat healthily and try not cheat, the weight stays stuck. I’m getting a little frustrated. My goal is to lose 7kgs this year and so far, since January, zero. Action plan required. STAT!

 

My work. Never been better! My new boss has turned out to be incredibly supportive. Coaching sessions have proved invaluable and I feel as if I finally understand what it is I’m meant to be doing every day. It’s a pretty powerful feeling to know that you can add great value to your team and be awesome at what you do.

 

My family & friends. This is most probably the area I’ve had most success with. Having not had anyone over to my place last year, I’ve already had our besties over for spaghetti and meatballs. I’ve also managed to make time for my close friends and made a concerted effort to meet at least once a month. I slipped a little by only seeing my niece two weeks after her birthday, but all was forgiven when we arrived with gifts. Phew…

My running. Even though I’ve been running for 4 years now, the last two months have been the most emotional for me. What a rollercoaster ride run I’ve been on! Training with a coach, speed work, pulled quad muscle, caught in the rain. It’s been pretty hectic. Ironically enough, it’s been more mentally draining than physical. I’ve changed the goal posts a few times, going from wanting to run Two Oceans in record time, to focussing on 10km races. I’ve also gone through stages of hating my running to falling in love with it again.

The next time I review my goals Two Oceans will have passed, our Easter holiday in Cape Town will be over and we’ll be launched into Winter. Brrrrrr!

It’s amazing how much can change in one’s life in such a short time. It’s worth stopping every now and then and taking it all in.