I love this time of year! It’s mid-December and everywhere I look, I’m surrounded by wonderful Christmas decorations, the traffic is a breeze because the schools have broken up and my brain is fuzzy as I try desperately to focus on those last few meetings at work before closing the door on yet another (hectic) year.

But this year is different. A scan of any Twitter feed or Facebook timeline will reveal a lot about the state of the country with rolling blackouts and scheduled load shedding. It’s as if we’re stuck so deep in this situation that we’re unable to see beyond it. It feels like a national depression and as the negativity dominates the conversations, it’s very difficult to remain positive. In fact, it’s draining.

I’d like to think that everything about me is positive. My attitude, the way I view the world, my reactions to situations. But I must admit, even I am tired of being positive. I don’t know how much longer I can remain positive when reality sets in. I’m sitting on that fence between denial and anger.

As we passed the four hour load shedding mark on Sunday, I sat confidently on the couch, saying to KK that the electricity would go on at any second. I trusted the Eskom schedule. But as the doubt crept in, I knew I would be receiving the dreaded, “I told you so” remark which would crush my spirit. But I did not allow him to see any sign of my despair and smiled back. When the microwave beeped as the electricity was restored, I almost burst out crying. I’m tired. I’m done.

Yes, it’s that time of the year that I love so much, but in a way, my heart is not in it. My head is far, far away… holding on to hope.

(ps: Out of interest, have you changed any of your habits to try help the situation? Switching off non-essential appliances? Planned for load shedding?)

(Image credit: Google images)