Category Archives: My Fears

When you finally make a decision, everything else falls into place

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My parents have a rock in their garden with the following quote carved into it, “To conquer fear, you need to make a decision.”

I’m not sure why this quote popped in to my head on Saturday, but it did. You see, on Saturday I made the decision to pull out of running the Two Oceans half marathon in April.

It’s been a very difficult and tough decision to make. Trust me, I’m heart-broken! But I’ve had time to think long and hard and decide what’s best for me. 

Two Oceans blogger, Dr Ross Tucker pointed out, “Why is sometimes more powerful than how.” So I sat down and wrote out my goals and answered some tough questions I realised was long overdue. It turns out, this is what I know: I do not have a problem running 21.1kms. The distance does not put me off and I do not struggle with it either. It’s the pace where my biggest challenge lies. Due to the fact that I run so slowly, the extra stress of making a 3 hour cut-off hangs over my head causing me incredible stress making it a very unpleasant run.  

The stress comes down to the speed of my running. If I can correct this and run faster, I would not stress as much and enjoy the run more.

The training that I started with my coach in January aims to do just that – get me running faster.

Unfortunately, the training schedule I am following does not include Two Oceans or any other half marathons coming up. In fact, I have already pulled a quad muscle by running Johnson Crane too hard and trying to slip back into my training schedule a day later without resting.

In chatting to my coach, he reminded me that my goal for 2012 is speed, not Two Oceans and unfortunately this year, I can only choose one.

I’ve chosen speed.

My hope is that if I can work on running faster, and start making those cut-off times by a good half hour or so, I will in fact not stress as much and enjoy my runs. That is the end goal.

Two Oceans will be there next year. And the next…

Since having made the decision, I am at peace and have a clearer view of my running goals ahead of me. But I am sad. Very sad. Some of my running friends have tried their very best to convince me otherwise and to run the race “for fun.” But it’s not fun when I’m running my guts out and still see a man at the finish line holding a cut-off gun.

I guess the biggest lesson I’ve learnt is that I was too afraid to make the decision. But the decision has to be what’s right for me, for my body, not anyone else. I kept worrying about what everyone would think. Would they all see it as quitting? 

To be honest, I’m tired (mentally and physically) of scraping through and just making it. I don’t want to run at 8mins/km anymore. I want to achieve a half marathon time of 2h40. Or 2h30. Even 2h20! I want to run faster!

That’s my goal!

Confessions of a runner: Of course I can run faster silly!

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In 2010, I ran the Pick ‘n Pay half marathon. It’s a great race and winds its way through Bedfordview and Edenvale. I remember getting to the 16 km mark and bumping in to an old friend from school. On that day, he was marshalling the race.

When he saw me, he looked surprised and asked me, “Bo, are you okay? Why are you so far at the back? Are you hurt?” In my head, I said, nope, this is my pace. I run at 8mins/km. But I was too embarrassed to admit that to him, so instead I laughed it off, claiming I was having a slow race and taking it easy. Of course I run faster than this, silly billy! Pffft!

Fast forward 3 years. I’m blogging about my race journey and sharing my ups and downs of my running and my quest to run faster. Last week, I happen to have blogged that I was in a dip with my running, that I was not having a good time, and pretty much hating my running. Guess who comments on my blog? My friend, the marshall, from the Pick ‘n Pay race.

However, this time, the encounter was different. Here’s what he wrote…

“… On the running side, if it helps, of my years and years of running have yielded many great victories, but plenty disappointments too. I actually hung up my shoes after last year’s Comrades. I lost the mojo. I never took a step until the Kudus race this year, then Dischem, then Bobbies on Sunday, and I’m totally passionate again. It doesn’t mean you must stop , I’m just saying that we all have little setbacks and disappointments. Some run through them, some take a break till the mojo returns. I think you are expecting too much too soon to be honest.

 Run Happy, Run Grumpy, Run Speedy, Run Slow, Run a Little, Run a lot, just have fun!!

Let me know when you are next at a race, I’d love to run your distance with you and have a catch up, and whatever your goal for that day, let me pace for you and give you a helping hand, it’ll be my pleasure. Keep your chin up Bo, and keep going!”

I did manage to bump into him at Johnson Crane. It was so great to see him and to chat.

How weird that sometimes it’s easier to hide our insecurities because we think others will judge us and not understand what we are going through. And yet, everyone has their own demons that they are fighting. Opening up and trusting someone can sometimes yield some wonderful results!

I’d much rather forget about those first days back at school, thanks.

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I can still remember the smell of the pencil shavings. The smell of my school bag and freshly polished school shoes. I remember setting out all my school clothes the night before and the excitement of the first day of school. Yet, if I have to be totally honest, excitement is not exactly the word I’d use to describe my feelings of going back to school…

You see, the first day back at school was never pleasant for me. Not only was I a very shy, reserved child, but I have some pretty awful memories which make me shudder every time I think of them.

Three in particular that I recall…

The first was when all the Grade 2’s were waiting for their names to be called out by their new teachers. Someone insisted they heard my name, and so I excitedly followed my new teacher to my class only to find that my name was not on her list. I frantically raced back to the other children, but they had all left. I was stranded and had no clue where to go.

The second memory was Std 2 when the teachers were calling out the names of the kids for their new classes and instead of calling Bronwynne Loots (my maiden name), my teacher called Bronwynne Boots. Laughter ensued and I was mocked for many years to come by all the cruel boys (and girls).

My third memory is Std 3 when a good family friend who was in Std 5, dared me to run across the athletic field and if I did so, he would give me R5 (trust me, in 1985 this was a hell of a lot of money!) So I did. I ran and ran and ran! As I got halfway across the field, I heard the school bell ring for the start of class. But this didn’t stop me. Unfortunately, as I got to the other side and turned around, I saw that everyone was gone. GONE, including Roger and that when I finished my run and got to my class, I got detention. Roger still owes me R5!

Oh how I sometimes wish I could go back to school with what I know now! The first thing I would tell myself is that silly little events like these don’t matter. That in life, there are much bigger things to worry about. In fact, it’s the attitude and coping when things don’t go the right way that has made me the person I am today!

Good luck boys and girls!

Believing in myself will be my greatest challenge in 2012

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Compared to most December holidays, I had quite a lot of spare time to catch up on my reading and DVD watching these past few weeks. An inspirational book by Tim Noakes and watching one of my all-time favourite DVDs documenting the Apollo 13 rescue left me with lots of food for thought as I enter into a new year, filled with many unknowns and challenges.

I’m not one for making New Year’s resolutions. However, a very clear message kept coming through when I read Noake’s book and which was confirmed when watching ‘The Race to the Moon: Failure is not an option’ DVD. The message of believing in myself. The message of accomplishing what my mind tells me is impossible.

Self-belief will be my 2012 New Year’s resolution.

In Noake’s book, called “Challenging Beliefs”, he says, “…it is our minds, and especially our perception of what can be, rather than our physical capabilities which ultimately determine the extend to which we succeed.” 

It’s four years since I started running but I aim to make 2012 the year that counts. No more doubting that running is too difficult. No more worrying that everyone else is faster than me. No more putting myself down. This will be the year that I have complete confidence in myself when I line up at the start of the Two Oceans half marathon. This will be the year that I am not overwhelmed with fears of not making the 3 hour cut-off gun. This is the year that I dash pass all those ‘walkers’ and come home with a medal I am proud of.

The Gene Kranz documentary “Failure is not an option” revolves around the team of very young engineers who ran the Mission Control centre in the 60’s and recounts their story of America’s space flight and man’s landing on the moon. But it’s the captivating story of the unexpected disaster that left the Apollo 13 crew lost in space which leaves me breathless. Faced with the unknown and a problem which at first seemed impossible to fix, the team at mission control managed to use their unique expertise and with the knowledge that “failure was not an option” pulled off an amazing rescue.

With the same spirit of those young NASA engineers, 2012 will be the year I rock at my job. I aim to make it known exactly just how skilled I am in my field instead of hiding in the shadows due to lack of confidence. I believe that I am capable of so much more. No more excuses! This is my year to take on new challenges and to shine!  

Bring it!