KK is away on a business trip. You’d think I’d be used to it by now but I’ve realised that I’m not. Since I met KK, he has gone away on many business trips. Some of them have been short ones, some of them as long as 5 weeks. I usually arrange dinner dates with all my besties, I plan my PVR schedule and try get in long phone calls with my sister and my mom. But the plans all sound more exciting than reality. Because if I have to be honest with myself, I actually hate being alone.

Is there a difference between being alone and lonely? Surprisingly, the dictionary defines lonely like this:

lone•ly [lohn-lee] – adjective, lone•li•er, lone•li•est. affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.

Ironically, being alone is definitely making me feel incredibly depressed lonely. Yes I have loads of friends and colleagues around me. But it’s not the same, especially when I am so used to being with KK all the time. I can’t sleep during the week. I don’t feel like watching TV. I avoid going out. I tend to sleep my weekend away. I go into total hibernation until he returns.

I think it’s been bugging me a lot more lately because I’ve realised that with us not having any children, without KK, I truly am alone. I’ve never really been alone. After I moved out of home, I always had someone in my life and met KK 15 years ago. He’s all I’ve got. So when he does go away, I am fooling myself in to believing I love the ‘free’ time. I hate it.