The green vase is empty

For my birthday last year, you gave me the most exquisite green vase. It’s not something I would’ve bought myself but I fell in love with it immediately. What’s particularly special about it is the beautiful bird perched on the top of the lid. It sits on the table in my front entrance hall and is a daily reminder of how precious friendship and life is.

Green vase

Every so often, I open the vase and look inside. I don’t know what I’m expecting to find in there. It’s empty. You’re gone. It’s been 8 months already.

Unlike the empty vase, I’ve been filling up inside with news. I have so many stories to share and issues that need discussing and problems which need your advice… but you’re not there. You’re still gone.

Some days I feel like I’m bursting and only you will understand. Some days I worry that there’s going to be too much news and I won’t know what to do with it all. I need to tell you and I can’t move on unless you know what’s happening and can tell me that it’ll all be okay. But there’s a silence…an emptiness.

I opened the vase up tonight, and looked inside. It’s still empty. I miss you so much. I love my vase.

Happy Birthday Conrad.

Is being alone making me lonely?

KK is away on a business trip. You’d think I’d be used to it by now but I’ve realised that I’m not. Since I met KK, he has gone away on many business trips. Some of them have been short ones, some of them as long as 5 weeks. I usually arrange dinner dates with all my besties, I plan my PVR schedule and try get in long phone calls with my sister and my mom. But the plans all sound more exciting than reality. Because if I have to be honest with myself, I actually hate being alone.

Is there a difference between being alone and lonely? Surprisingly, the dictionary defines lonely like this:

lone•ly [lohn-lee] – adjective, lone•li•er, lone•li•est. affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.

Ironically, being alone is definitely making me feel incredibly depressed lonely. Yes I have loads of friends and colleagues around me. But it’s not the same, especially when I am so used to being with KK all the time. I can’t sleep during the week. I don’t feel like watching TV. I avoid going out. I tend to sleep my weekend away. I go into total hibernation until he returns.Lonely bear

I think it’s been bugging me a lot more lately because I’ve realised that with us not having any children, without KK, I truly am alone. I’ve never really been alone. After I moved out of home, I always had someone in my life and met KK 15 years ago. He’s all I’ve got. So when he does go away, I am fooling myself in to believing I love the ‘free’ time. I hate it.

Pizza delivery for one

One of the worst and probably saddest memories I have of being young and single was when I used to order take-out on a Friday night. I would phone up Mr Delivery and would order three or sometimes even four different meals, just so that the delivery guy didn’t think I was alone and felt sorry for me. (height of lame, I know).

Two burgers and chips, throw in a 2 litre coke, Mexican pizza, extra chilli and calamari and rice (which was usually my meal). I remember clearly that when the delivery guy used to arrive at the house, I’d call out to empty rooms on the other side of the house, ‘Guys, your burgers are here…’  *echo*. But at least I fooled him. I think.

Years later and I couldn’t give two hoots what Mr Delivery thinks of me, but I still hate being alone. I haven’t been alone for quite a number of years now since getting married, but with KK having gone off on a business trip, I’ve been all by myself. It’s been tough. I’ve hated it.

At first, I had plans to fill my time: I planned to blog, to visit my folks, to gym (and lose lots of weight), read magazines while my painted nails dried and generally spend time doing ‘stuff’ I never get around to doing. None of this has happened. In fact, since he left, I fear I may be on the verge of developing a severe case of bed sores. All I seem to do is get home from work and hibernate in the bedroom, watching TV in bed and drinking too many cups of tea. I’ve also started to talk to myself. Out loud! :/

I’ve realised that I am miserable being alone especially when KK and I do almost everything together. And I mean everything! We go to gym together, we go shopping together; we will even wait for each other to get tired before heading off to bed. The worst part is that I have been forced to run at the gym for fear that if I do run out in the streets, there is no one waiting for me to get home safely.

It’s not so much loneliness but being alone. It’s doing things all by myself and not with my best friend.

I really miss you KK and I’m counting the days until you get home. Not long now…