Is being alone making me lonely?

KK is away on a business trip. You’d think I’d be used to it by now but I’ve realised that I’m not. Since I met KK, he has gone away on many business trips. Some of them have been short ones, some of them as long as 5 weeks. I usually arrange dinner dates with all my besties, I plan my PVR schedule and try get in long phone calls with my sister and my mom. But the plans all sound more exciting than reality. Because if I have to be honest with myself, I actually hate being alone.

Is there a difference between being alone and lonely? Surprisingly, the dictionary defines lonely like this:

lone•ly [lohn-lee] – adjective, lone•li•er, lone•li•est. affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.

Ironically, being alone is definitely making me feel incredibly depressed lonely. Yes I have loads of friends and colleagues around me. But it’s not the same, especially when I am so used to being with KK all the time. I can’t sleep during the week. I don’t feel like watching TV. I avoid going out. I tend to sleep my weekend away. I go into total hibernation until he returns.Lonely bear

I think it’s been bugging me a lot more lately because I’ve realised that with us not having any children, without KK, I truly am alone. I’ve never really been alone. After I moved out of home, I always had someone in my life and met KK 15 years ago. He’s all I’ve got. So when he does go away, I am fooling myself in to believing I love the ‘free’ time. I hate it.

Not wanting kids is a lonely place to be

As a 37-year old married women with no kids, I must admit that I don’t exactly know where I ‘belong’ in society these days. You see, one would have thought that as people have started to accept mixed racial couples and same sex relationships, so too would the idea that a woman who decides not to have children be okay. But it isn’t.

I still get the confused looks, the gasps and the disbelief. In fact, majority of people who know my decision will still tell me that I will change my mind in future and ‘I better hope it’s not too late.’

Women judge me and quiz me as if somewhere in my explanation they’ll find a loophole to my reasoning and try to convince me otherwise. I’ve been warned that I will have no one to take care of my when I’m old. I’ve been informed that when KK and I grow tired of one another, that we’ll have nothing in our lives to hold us together.

I’ve been told that I am missing out on the biggest blessing of life and that there will be no one to carry our family name in to the future.

But not many will tell me that it’s okay. Very few are able to tell me that it’s my decision and that there are loads of women like me who are fine not to have kids and who have never even wanted to have any.

I get insulted when people say that I have four-legged children instead. Um, no. I grew up with dogs, I love dogs but they are not a substitute. They are dogs. I get upset when people suggest I am concentrating on my career. Nope. It is just a job and I personally do not want to be the boss. I just don’t want children.

Do I hate children. No, why would I hate them?

The hard part is that I have lost many girfriends who have moved on into that phase of their lives and now have nothing in common with me anymore or perhaps who don’t know what to talk to me about anymore. It’s still me. Bron.

All around me, I am flooded with messages on TV, magazines, billboards and the media about what a ‘normal’ couple looks like.

And I guess that’s my point. I’m confused as to where exactly in society I fit. In my head and my heart, I know who I am and the decisions I’ve made.

But not everyone around me seems to get it.