Reviewing my year…

Self-doubt has been a recurring theme of my blog. I have found that in my life it has affected how I respond to other people, my confidence within the work place but also my running ability. In writing my ‘Review of 2013′ blog post, I would have to say that the last 3 months have taught me more about myself than I’ve ever known; it’s been a time of incredibly uncertainty; a period of my life where self-doubt could have easily engulfed me … But that never happened.

If there is one word which describes it all, I would say vulnerability.

Vulnerable 2

Deciding to head down a new path for my career, moving to a new department, being seconded to head up a team for 6 months in a field I had no previous experience in was incredibly overwhelming. The initial few days I feared that I would be exposed and make a mistake. That I would fail…

Instead of allowing self-doubt to take the lead, I used my vulnerability to accept that things were new, every day had its own share of unknowns, that the work was tough and complex and that I was either going to sink or swim. Instead of being in control, I let go and let each day take care of itself. And I was rewarded each and every day. Not only by small successes around me, but on a personal level too.

I’ve learnt that I actually know stuff. Stuff that has been built up in files in my head for years and years, waiting to be released. I realize that I can make a difference and sometimes it doesn’t have to be a big one. I’ve learnt that I can and I do add value – best feeling in the world.

But I guess the biggest surprise is that I’m no longer afraid to let people around me see this part of me. The more passionate I get, the bolder I feel and the more I love what I do. 2013 will definitely go down as the year I found my voice.

Thank you Dipesh for believing in me and making me believe in myself.

Vulnerability

The empty desk

The ‘Old Man in the office’ has retired. Most of us thought this day would never arrive as he seemed to re-invent himself and move to different teams every time his retirement date drew near. He delayed his departure for a couple of years until he finally made the decision to leave for good.

On his last day at work, he walked the floor and said his goodbyes (taking full advantage of the hugs from all the ladies). As he neared my desk and I watched his face, I saw real sadness. I guess after working at a place for so many years, you do form a bond and a strong connection with both people and everything around you. It becomes your world. Saying goodbye is hard.

I always lecture myself about work life balance and ensuring I am not too ‘attached’ to work. But I saw this quote the other day and it kind of made some sense to me.

Balance

Yes, work life balance is important but I’m surrounded by some individuals who give it 110% every single day. There’s a passion and a drive about them that’s highly contagious. It keeps me coming back for more, thirsty for that next challenge.

I’m going to miss the Old Man, especially his terribly rude corny jokes he used to tell. I’m going to miss hearing him complain on the phone and getting upset in meetings when people talked at the same time. I’m going to miss him asking what I’ve got in my lunchbox. I’m going to miss tweeting about his silly mannerisms. In a weird way, I’m even going to miss him asking me, “Brony, would you like some coffee, tea or me?” Awkward. 

Goodbye Old Man.

I’m just disappointed, that’s all.

I’m disappointed.

I’ve been going through some real ups and downs at work in the past few weeks. Moments where it has felt as if things were all coming together, only to be faced with everything falling apart. It’s left me in a nasty dip. I’ve been walking around the office feeling lost, feeling extremely let down and pretty miserable to be around. I’m highly irritated with myself that I was mentally prepared for change and the change did not come and now I don’t know which way to turn…

Chatting to KK about it, he reminded me that he’s seen this happen before. Periods in my work life where I have been forced to make decisions based on a number of factors. He said, “Things do come right. They always do, but maybe just not when you expect them to.”

I guess the one lesson I’m learning from this experience is how I deal with situations that don’t go my way. I don’t deal with disappointment well. I let it overwhelm me and look to blame others. Nobody is at fault here. Things just didn’t pan out as I thought they would. It’s really up to me now to decide: do I look for a new path or just stick to the old one and wait? Going through some photos recently, I came across this one…

photo

While on holiday in April, KK and I decided to go for a walk through Cecilia forest in Cape Town and chose the hiker’s path through the forest. After 2 hours, we landed up getting lost. We really did not know whether or not to continue on the hiker’s path, which was full of climbs and unexpected turns, or to just find the path that everyone else was on and stick to it. Regardless of the path, I enjoyed the beautiful scenery. It didn’t really matter to me that we did not quite know where we were because I was having fun.

This is what I’ve come to realize about my current situation. I’m more focused on the disappointment than on what’s next on the horizon.Why am I letting this bad patch bring me down? Things happen for a reason. I need to stop sulking and start enjoying the journey. “Build a bridge Bron and get over it!”

 

March 2012 – Am I coming or going?

Wow, can you believe it’s March already! It’s absolutely crazy how time just flies by so quickly.

So I thought what better time to do a quick assessment of my year and see whether or not the goals I set out for myself in January were still relevant and if I had achieved anything.

My weight. Nothing happening! I have plateaued on level FAT. Even the scale says I’m obese. *shock* As much as I try eat healthily and try not cheat, the weight stays stuck. I’m getting a little frustrated. My goal is to lose 7kgs this year and so far, since January, zero. Action plan required. STAT!

 

My work. Never been better! My new boss has turned out to be incredibly supportive. Coaching sessions have proved invaluable and I feel as if I finally understand what it is I’m meant to be doing every day. It’s a pretty powerful feeling to know that you can add great value to your team and be awesome at what you do.

 

My family & friends. This is most probably the area I’ve had most success with. Having not had anyone over to my place last year, I’ve already had our besties over for spaghetti and meatballs. I’ve also managed to make time for my close friends and made a concerted effort to meet at least once a month. I slipped a little by only seeing my niece two weeks after her birthday, but all was forgiven when we arrived with gifts. Phew…

My running. Even though I’ve been running for 4 years now, the last two months have been the most emotional for me. What a rollercoaster ride run I’ve been on! Training with a coach, speed work, pulled quad muscle, caught in the rain. It’s been pretty hectic. Ironically enough, it’s been more mentally draining than physical. I’ve changed the goal posts a few times, going from wanting to run Two Oceans in record time, to focussing on 10km races. I’ve also gone through stages of hating my running to falling in love with it again.

The next time I review my goals Two Oceans will have passed, our Easter holiday in Cape Town will be over and we’ll be launched into Winter. Brrrrrr!

It’s amazing how much can change in one’s life in such a short time. It’s worth stopping every now and then and taking it all in.