Category Archives: My Feelings

Dear Two Oceans Half Marathon… we need to talk.

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Dear Two Oceans Half Marathon, 

Like most runners, I fell in love with you right from the start. You were the dream race, the one everyone spoke about. When my running training started at the beginning of each year, it would be centred around you as the goal date, the goal race. All the reading I did was about you. All the training I did was for you. In terms of running, you were ‘my everything’.

But since 2010, things between us started to go wrong. You started to see more people and the entries just grew and grew. The problem is that with 16 000 runners, it makes it that much tougher for me to get over that starting mat without losing at least 10 minutes. I don’t exactly have 10 minutes to spare because, as you know, I run at 8 minutes per km and this cuts it fine with a 3 hour cut off time. It’s funny because ever since I started running, I’ve allowed your 3 hour cut off time to dictate my runs and my pace to the extent that I feel absolutely miserable when I don’t run my half marathons under 3 hours.

I guess that’s my point. How you make me feel. Like any woman in an abusive relationship, I forgave you because I ‘loved’ you. I even started this blog about ‘Keeping up’ because I was so desperate to please you. But if I have to be honest with myself, you make me feel like a failure, inadequate, pathetic. You stress me out and instead of enjoying the run, I keep thinking that I will fail. I keep wanting to quit every single day but fear that other runners will judge me.

I don’t feel like that when I run other races. In fact, since January, I’ve noticed a change within me. I started to like running half marathons and not be stressed about the time. I started to enjoy the distance. I’ve loved every kilometre and when I’ve crossed the finish line, I’ve been so damn proud of myself. Proud because I am able to run 21.1km. So far, I’ve run 3 half marathon races this year and each one has taken me over 3 hours, but you know what, it didn’t matter. I have fallen in love with my running again!

So, I think what I’m trying to say is … it’s not you, it’s me. It’s taken me 4 years to realize that running is supposed to be fun. It’s taken me so many races to finally acknowledge that I run at 8 minutes per km and I’m okay with that. I watch so many other runners crossing that finish line after me with smiles on their faces. I want to be one of those runners. I want to be content and at peace and not carry around this huge burden.

So it’s good bye. We can still be friends and I will see you for the 8km run on Good Friday. But as far as any long term commitment, you’ve taken up way too much of my time and energy (both mentally & physically) already. I’m moving on.

Bronwynne

My idea of winning is different to yours.

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I’ve got a problem with people who think I am uncompetitive. I am. In fact I am very competitive. I hate losing. But what I’ve faced my entire life is other people thinking that because I am not a pro at what I do, that I don’t want to win.

When I was in high school, I was in the B side of the netball team. Sometimes, I got pushed down to reserve for the B team because there were other girls who played better than me. At least I got to play.

When I left high school, I tried my hand at action cricket. I was dropped off the team because I couldn’t hit the ball. I guess that’s important, right?

A few years later, I played action netball with a group of friends. The team eventually asked me to leave because we weren’t winning our games and it was my fault. They refused to continue playing unless I left the team. (keywords: team & friends). I gracefully walked away even though it hurt me big time.

Lately at gym, when I am training with my personal trainer, she will often give me lighter weights than I (think) I am capable of lifting. In addition, she tells me to do all my push-ups on my knees. I feel like a real girl.

Just the other day, someone was telling me that on their very first run, they ran 6 minutes per km and questioned me about my running and if I was working my pacing out right. Seriously? After 4 years of running?

I’ve pretty much gone through my whole life being judged by other people who decide that I am not strong enough, fast enough, or good enough. Do they realise that I am giving it my best shot? Why is it that others presume that because I am not winning any games or races or running as fast as them that I am not wanting to win?

Maybe competing and winning means something completely different to me. Like not quitting when others don’t give me a chance?

Today was ALL about me!

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As the thousands of cyclists came rushing passed me riding the Momentum 94.7 Cycle Challenge race, I only realised today that making the decision not to ride the race weeks ago was finally a decision that put ME first. A decision where I selfishly thought about what I wanted to do and chose to ignore that niggling voice in my head that always tries to convince me otherwise.

Months ago, when everyone around me was deciding to ride and buying kits, the pressure to enter the race was immense. I know people meant well when they encouraged me to do it and I kept saying I was undecided and was thinking about it. I truly was. I religiously joined KK at every Monday and Wednesday spinning class at gym. I also entered two 40km cycling races and finished them feeling fresh and invigorated. I learnt that cycling is easier than running and was something I could do!

But what I realised seeing the brave cyclists with their red faces zooming passed me today is that I had made the decision based on what I wanted and not what I thought everyone around me wanted me to do. I am the type of person that often does what I think people expect me to do. I tend to be obsessed with doing things because I am afraid of what people will think of me. But not riding 94.7 was my decision. All mine.

In my heart I knew I would finish. KK had already worked out that I would comfortably finish in just over 5 hours. Besides, I LOVE my bike. (I’m a massive fan of the 29’incher MTB). So the odds were on my side. But is this one of my goals? Is completing the 94.7 something I wanted to do? Nope.

So sitting on my deck chair, sipping on iced tea, chewing on my jelly belly beans, I smiled and for a rare moment, felt at peace and content that I was doing something that made me happy and that I enjoyed. For a change, I was not riddled with guilt and FOMO (fear of missing out) but cheering on others and supporting them reach their goals in my own way.

Juggling life without dropping balls

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You need to regularly invest in a relationship if you want to regularly get dividends from it. – @leadingguru

Is it just me or does it feel as if in our everyday lives, it’s sometimes difficult to know and to decide what comes first and  what takes priority when it feels as if everything is important.

I make lists of important things to do at work but the list just gets longer and longer. I skip gym for 2 weeks and when I go back, my fitness levels have dropped. I don’t brush my dogs and the lounge is full of dog hair. I am leaving nail polish on my nails for far too long, hoping to get away with it. I buy hundreds of books but don’t get around to reading them. Magazines are piling up next to my bed and I still have not finished reading the June edition of Shape. I am still trying to get through all the PVR’ed episodes of Gossip Girl which ended weeks ago…

But somewhere in all the middle of this mess, I have lost touch with those I love the most.

As any runner knows, you have to find time to train, to run races and to rest. If you let anyone of these drop, the others will suffer. If you don’t train, you don’t do well in races. It’s only when your body is injured that you are forced to rest. It’s a constant juggling act to ensure that you get it right.

It’s the same with relationships. Unfortunately, it’s only when something goes wrong that you realise you’ve dropped the ball. And it’s only when you realise loved ones are hurting that you realise you have not paid attention. But by then it’s too late.

There’s way too much going on in our lives to put everything first. There’s too much to do, so much to get done and so many people to keep happy. It comes down to making the right decisions, negotiating with yourself and to compromising. If you get it right, let me know…