My Feelings | Keeping up with the Walkers…

As KK and I depart for our annual Easter break down in Cape Town, I must admit, I’m feeling a little mizz. In fact I’ve been feeling a bit down for a while now. You see, as everyone packs their bags and counts down to the Two Oceans half or ultra marathon, I won’t be running the race this year.

I pulled out due to injury as well as not being mentally ready to race against a cut-off time of 3 hours I feared I would miss (again). I was at a point where my running was not fun anymore and I hated the training. So I made the decision to stop stressing about my running, to focus on the 10km races and start falling in love with running again…

It was not an easy decision but once I made it, it was a weight off my shoulders and I still think it was the right decision. I have really enjoyed the shorter distances and I’ve had fun not having to constantly watch my pace. I’ve been happy with a 4km run in the evenings from home and sleeping later when I don’t feel like getting up at 3:30am for a race. It has helped me get back my “running mojo” and I’m enjoying it more than ever.

Yet it still doesn’t take away the fact that I wish I was running on Saturday. It doesn’t take away the fact that reading people’s tweets and blogs as they count down to the race doesn’t fill me with a tingle of jealousy and bit of regret.

While I know runners don’t judge one another, I am my biggest critic and keep trying to convince myself that pulling out of the race doesn’t mean I’m quitting. It means I’m doing what’s right, for me, at this point in time.

But it’s a heaviness that fills my heart.

I will still be there to support KK and the rest of our running gang. I’ll most probably get *goosies* when the gun goes off and I’ll still be super excited to see my running friends cross that finish line.

I’m holding thumbs that KK runs a PB! I wouldn’t miss that for the world!

Ps: this will be my last blog post until we get back from holiday on the 15th April.

Have a wonderful Easter!

Call me a girl cause that’s exactly how I’ve been feeling (and acting) lately!

I’m not the mushy or emotional type. I’m not one of those types who feels the need for constant affection. I don’t like people crowding my space. I don’t feel it necessary to say ‘I love you’s’ all day long. In fact as friendly and as warm as I come across, that’s all you’re going to get from me.

But in the last week or so, I’ve been feeling slightly out of sorts and a little out of control. I’ve been feeling really insecure and “girlie”. Yuck! I don’t know how to put it, but it’s as if I need constant reassurance, especially from KK.

Being the typical quiet, introvert engineer that he is, he hasn’t exactly picked up on my insecurities which has added to my niggliness and frustrated me even more!

It was only after confiding in some of my girlfriends that I made a list of some of the valuable advice they gave me:

KK cannot read my mind. I need to over-communicate my feelings and possibly tell him what it is I’d like him to do. He will never guess.
KK will never use the words I am expecting him to use. More often than not, if I am expecting him to act in a certain way over something, he won’t.
Fact: KK loves me. All other insecurities, unless based on fact, should be dismissed.
It’s okay for me to feel needy. I should not be afraid to sometimes admit that I’d like an extra cuddle after a stressful day.

The best piece of advice was from one of my girlfriends who said, “Stop beating yourself up about it. Trust me, it’s absolutely normal to feel like this every now and then. We’re all the same! We’re woman! ”

Yeah, I guess.