lockdown anxiety | Keeping up with the Walkers…

1. It started with a walk around the neighborhood in the last few days before lockdown level 5. How naive we were thinking that lockdown would only last 3 weeks and we’d carry on our lives. We had no idea what awaited us. I remember the silence of our complex when we did all lockdown. So eerie.

2. Not seeing my parents was the hardest part. I don’t visit then as much as I’d like but suddenly I wasn’t able to at all and it hit hard. I still worry about their health.

3. Yup, again. I sprained my ankle stepping off the patio at home. I was terrified of another pulmonary embolism situation & going to the hospital so my anxiety was through the roof.

4. Our little Emma crossed over the rainbow bridge. Her anxiety had reached uncontrollable levels & even though we were at home with her every day during the lockdown, she was starting to go blind, deaf, and frail. We miss her & still have her beds and blankets scattered around the house.

5. Veggie garden attempt number two. Some of the veggies have flourished. Other veggies have died. But it’s such soul food to get your hands full of soil and watch something grow.

6. Hiking. Who would’ve thought this was so much fun. I skipped the banana bread craze but fell in love with the outdoor hikes. It was also great to spend time with friends again.

7. Wedding anniversary celebrations in the bush – KK knows me well. We missed my birthday & a whole bunch of regular races, such as Two Oceans & Comrades. So it was fun to get out & chill in the bush. Working from home & being in one another’s face 24/7 was stressful. No jokes.

8. Yes. I did run around the garden in loops a hundred times. And remember the 6-9am dash during lockdown to grab a coffee at the petrol station down the road. But what a pleasure to get back to track and hang out with other runners again!

9. Zoom calls – with my business coach, Instagram coach, clients. It became the norm. And the start of my highly successful 90 Minute Intensive Sessions. This is where my social media business grew the most as everyone moved online.

2020 has been a ride and a half. These are just the highlights reel. But a year never to be forgotten or hopefully repeated. Bring on Christmas…

Lockdown anxiety finally broke me. It stole the last flicker of hope I was clinging on to and I’m not the only one who has just about had enough.

But I’m a denialist. I deny that COVID is out of control. I deny that my country is burning. I deny that things globally are in a real fucking mess. But they are.

I’m tired of hearing about the government. Of corruption. Of failure. I’m tired of not having answers. I’m tired of not knowing what to do or say. I’m sick of the negativity.

So my only escapism is to head to track twice a week and run laps around a dry grassy field. Alone with my thoughts and possibly the only hour I have without checking into social media.

And then this happened…

Chatting to my running coach on Saturday put things into perspective. We always start each new month discussing (negotiating) running goals. But this time was different.

Without asking, she said this:

“Bron, there is no need to push. There are no races to train for. All I want is for you to enjoy your running. Take it easy.

This isn’t about PBs. It’s not about the distance. It’s about getting out there and being consistent. Let’s get to September and then relook things.

But for now, all I want you to do is hang in there and do what you can. Don’t put anymore pressure on yourself.”

And that’s all I needed to hear…

Just hang in there. Ride this wave. Let it happen. Let it wash over me and move on.

There’s no need to put pressure on myself. We’re all struggling. There are no prizes. Even though just getting through the day deserves a medal.

And to control what I can. I can manage 3km runs and track twice a week, and that’s all that’s expected of me.

I can’t control what’s going on in my country, and no one is expecting me to. I can’t control how people react. I can’t change how others deal this pandemic. But I can run.

We’re a month away from Spring. Let’s ride this wave …